Nicolas has a simple, beautiful dream, of being happy with Jackie, of Jackie being happy with him, and when he wakes in the dark to the sound of Trill crying for her late night feeding, the scent of Jackie's hair in his head, he thinks he might die of the joy. Jackie stirs and starts to get up: Nico caresses her shoulder, dares a gentle kiss on her neck, the slightest brushing of his lips as he says, "Stay, you need the rest. I'll take care of Trill," and rises to feed his daughter. He's humming happily while he feeds her, buoyant on the sweet normalcy of it all, like he's got it all back. But it crashes down on him as he lays Trill back into her cradle & turns to head back into bed with Jackie: what he did tonight, he did to help her get sleep. She should have fallen back into that deep sleep already, and he doesn't really have business going back in there, as much as he wants to, since he's already served his purpose. Her exhaustion lowered her defenses, but tomorrow she might have regrets, might hate him just for being here. She still doesn't trust him, and he has to be careful what he does...Nico runs his head over his furrowing brow, angry at himself for allowing himself to enjoy this, for letting himself believe, if even for a minute, that he can have this back again.

Strong, gusty Santa Ana winds whistle & scream their way down Pacific Coast Highway, Nicolas walks out onto the balcony of Trill's room & watches the palm trees toss wildly in the warm, forceful wind. He hasn't been out of the pink prison in days: now that he has been, he's not sure he can go back there...he wants to stay here, needs it even, and stupidly tossed away his claim to it. He's telling himself now that he would do better if given another shot at it, but how can even trust himself, when he screwed himself over so badly the first time around? A second chance to hurt her this bad again could be the worst thing he could inflict on her, he thinks with a dark bitterness rising in his chest, wishing he could just erase himself, allow Jackie to move forward without him. "Nicolas?" she calls after him quietly, following him out to the balcony. Nico turns, her beauty in the moonlight, looking at him with the old love in her eyes, breaks him open and his great sorrow rushes out in sobs that more than match her own. He falls on her, face buried her neck as his tears roll down over her breasts, arms wrapped tight around her, his hands grasping at her like he was drowning "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he sobs, "I can't tell you how sorry I am, I'm dying in that pink hell without you, I can't live if you're not happy. God, I hate myself Jackie, I wish I had died before you ever saw me," he cries, clinging to her. Jackie strokes his hair with one hand, and wraps her other arm around him, holding him up, letting his tears soak her in his misery. "Nicolas, my happiest memories in this whole world are of being with you," she whispers gently, rocking him against her, "And we have Trill. I wouldn't trade that, I don't think. Not even for what it's ending up costing me in grief," she sighs, "So come inside now, okay? We have to jam with Matt tomorrow, and we were finally getting some sleep," Jackie takes him by the hand & leads him back inside, back to their room, their bed. Nicolas lies down beside her, wrapping himself around her, holding onto her like a security blanket while he weeps gently into her hair.

The sleep is sweet & long, and they wake together, the bright sun of late morning streaming through the windows, the bright, smogless still pale blue of a spring day after a night of fierce winds. For one glorious moment everything is perfect & neither of them moves, basking in warmth & security. Then, the same thought comes over them at the same time: it's too late, it's too quiet..."Trill," they both gasp with same voice and leap out of the bed & down the hall in their daughter's room, and clasp each other's hand in relief when they see his brother there, holding Trillare & tickling her affectionately. "I didn't want to wake you," he says to them in greeting, barely glancing up at them, smiling. Jackie apologizes to Andrea for sleeping through her workout, which of course Andrea accepts happily: they all know Jackie needed the rest far more than the exercise. She pulls her hand from his, pursing her lips as she thinks...what, Nicolas can't tell, and saying they'll be jamming in a few hours, she heads off for the bath. Nico sighs, lets the happiness drain out of him. There's a long, hard road ahead of him before he'll be at home again. Andrea's grin spreads far across his dimpling cheeks: "Don't be so cheerful, brother, you may still be taking me back to Debbie's with you before this day is done," Nico sighs glumly. Andrea places Trill back into her cradle & swings around with lightning speed & grabs his brother into a headlock. "Don't be such an ass, Nico," Andrea growls, giving him a punch in the arm that's supposed to be playful and hurts far more than intended. "Be careful with that," Nico, gasps, rubbing his arm as his brother releases him from his grip. Andrea laughs, "You're getting soft." Nico tosses his hair, serious for a moment, "I don't care if you bruise me up, Andrea, but the way you roughhouse with Debbie will get you in trouble. You don't know your own strength..." Andrea's eyes light up, "Nico, she can toss me, flat on my back. She does all that martial arts stuff, I don't even know what she's using on me, but she can get me pinned to the mat before I can even touch her..." Nico shies from the mental image: love is strange thing, he decides, but clearly, his brother has met his match.

Andrea leaves before Jackie comes out of the bath: she's having herself a good long soak, and Nico frets around the kitchen, preparing a breakfast he's too wretched & nervous to find appetizing, wondering what she's thinking about up there, wondering what she'll do with him when she comes down. "Wow, that smells great," she says, coming into the kitchen,"What are you making?" Nico looks down at the pan: it looks like some kind of omelette, and it seems like he must have chopped an entire large onion into it, browning darkly along with the peppers while the whole thing overcooks. "I don't know what it is," he says distractedly, pulling it from the fire, "or if it's edible..." He feels something like the walking undead himself, but Jackie is incredibly alive, she serves herself a plate of his overcooked mess with an enthusiastic 'yum' and a huge dollop of salsa. Nico follows, without the enthusiasm or the salsa. "So," she says, after a few huge mouthfuls, "I have questions..." Nicolas settles himself into the chair, nods that he's ready. The first question is easy, she wants to know if he loved Mary: he's never loved any woman but Jackie, and he's still never spoken the words to any other, whatever else he's done. Next she wants the facts, when it started, how often...Nico spares her gruesome details, though she presses for them, but gives her the basics. Then she asks what it was like, how it felt...it's the kind of question she'd ask, and he has to think hard for the right words. It's hard to remember how it was, how it actually felt live...it's a memory now that causes him pain, and all he feels about it now is pain. "Like a performance rush," he says, "More adrenaline than anything else," and hopes that will satisfy her. He winces when she asks if it was 'better' with Mary, "It was never a contest," he sighs, and knows that isn't enough, "Jackie, these questions...I wish I had the words for this...that whole....episode...had no relation to you at all. You are & always will be my girl, the only one I want or need. I know how hypocritical that sounds, I don't know how to put this any better, what I was doing with Mary was physically the same, maybe, as making love to you, but it just wasn't same thing. What went on with her, isn't something I'd ever want from you...she was using me, basically, as a language coach and because she's got a taste for good looking men. I don't know why I found that so irresistible that I just did what she told me & waited on her, it wasn't giving me happiness, or 'pleasure' in the same sense as being with you...it's not something that you lack, Jackie, nothing that was wrong with us, it's something wrong with me..." Jackie's questions stop for a moment, while she eats in a contemplative silence. Nico stares down on the nasty business on his plate, congealing. He's not going to eat it, he feels like he's going to be sick, wonders if he's developing an ulcer, if he didn't maybe just shed ten years off his life. "Nico," Jackie starts again, "Last night you said you were dying in that 'pink hell'..what did that mean?" He doesn't remember any of the actual words he said to her on that balcony, he just remembers the beautiful solace of giving her his regret. But if that's what she heard him say, he knows what he must have meant..."Debbie's apartment," he says, grimacing & pushing his plate out of view now, unable to think about food, "It's very pink, it's like living inside a dessert. It actually makes me physically sick, sometimes." Laughter bubbles out of her, a great snorting fit of it, as she waves her hands in front of face. "I'm sorry," she gasps, getting her laughter under control, expelling the mirth from her eyes as she puts her hand on his arm in concern, noticing the tears in his eyes, "Nico, I didn't mean to make fun of you...it's just, it sounded so funny, inside a dessert." Nicolas smiles through his tears & strokes her face, "Jacklyn, I made you laugh....you're so beautiful."

Jackie scowls & stands, paces for a moment. "I don't want to be the walking wounded, I want to be able to laugh without it being like the dead coming to life," she says, frustration rising. She stops pacing and then stands to face him: Nico rises himself to meet her, finally settle this, face to face. "I still love you, Nicolas," she says, putting her hands in his, "I want so much for us to be together, to be like we were. And it scares me, because I'm afraid if I trust you again, you'll do it again..." She turns her head and starts to pull her hands away, but Nicolas closes his fingers around hers. He's been trying to separate his wants, his needs, from what he needs to do for her so she can get beyond the heartbreak, it kills him to think of her moving on without him, but he was preparing to accept that, accept that she wouldn't be able to love him after his betrayal...when she said she still loves him, it was all he needed to hear, "Marry me," he whispers in her ear. "Are you insane?" she asks, incredulous. "Yes, completely," Nico replies, kissing her neck, "Get all your lawyers to write up the craziest prenuptial contract you can concoct, any condition, everything I have, everything I ever do in the future, all of it's yours, I will sign anything you hand me." Jackie puts her hands firmly on his shoulders & pushes him away. "This is about trust, not money, Nico," she says. He nods, "I know, Jackie, I just don't know any other way, I want to turn myself, my life, my soul, over to you. You can plant a tracking device on me, you can hire guys to follow me wherever I go, whatever it takes...I'd rather die than hurt you again, and I would do anything to see you happy." Her hands on his shoulders stop pressing, and as he wraps his arms around her waist it becomes an embrace. "I don't know, Nico, I want to do what's best for my life, not just what makes me feel good now..." she sighs, and looks up at him for an answer. Just as Nicolas starts to lean in to kiss her, Matt strides into the room, laughing "Okay, kids, break it up, we've got jamming to get to."

Your songs are born straight from your soul, like blood out of your heart: then you work on them, develop them with your band, and you start seeing them as objects outside yourself, you can perform them for an audience and not feel exposed & naked in front of the world of strangers. So far Matt has been completely in the dark as to what's been going on with the rest of his band. Nico & Jackie don't talk about it, just present the whole story in the songs they've been working up, and Matt adds his drums to the mix, like them not commenting on the obvious emotional difficulties underlying them, speaking only to the raw intensity of the new music & saying what an awesome recording it will be. "I was thinking, we could call the CD 'Pink Hell', what do you guys think?" Jackie says, a wry laugh playing over her lips Matt laughs that he loves it, it's perfect. Nicolas winces a little, not looking forward to the 'Pink Hell' tour & it's inevitable flood of promotional material..."Very poetic, Jackie," he says, smiling just a little.

Nico hasn't let go of the bare thread of hope she threw him, telling him she still loves him, that she still could be happy with him, he means to use it to climb out of the darkness & back into his family. She stands looking at him, considering, maybe waiting for him to say something, maybe putting together another of her penetrating questions, maybe getting ready to ask him to leave. "You don't have to decide today what you want to do," he says soothingly, "If it's just a matter of trust, Jacklyn, I'm going to be right under your nose, working with you, touring with you, raising our daughter with you. As long there's some chance you'll have me back, I'm going to pursue it. If you still love me, I have that chance. You can't believe anything I say now, but I'll prove myself, eventually." Jackie looks down at the toes of her boots, hesitating. Nicolas takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around her, caress her as he speaks, "I'm very, very serious about this, Jacklyn. I love you, I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. I know I've hurt & betrayed you, enough that you should hate me..." he was going to go on, all night if he had to, pleading, caressing & seducing, but she reaches her hand up to his lips,"Oh, please, stop already, you'll make me cry again," she sighs, tears rising already, "You are such a selfish asshole, Nicolas, I can't believe you have the balls to even touch me," she says, resting her head against his shoulder, stroking his chest, smiling affectionately as she jabs at him verbally, "Coming onto me like you didn't just break my heart." Nico lifts her face to look her in the eyes ready to continue his pursuit with words of love. Her eyes tell him the chase over, the need for words is done & he leans in to kiss her, the sweet kiss of reconciliation. "You can't do that to me again," she says, her voice husky with the passion of their kiss. He doesn't want to make promises, knowing she won't take him at his word. "Jacklyn, I can't even think about doing this to us again," he says, stronger than a promise. Just remembering these past few days, and everything he did that led up to, from his meeting with Mary to the last, makes his stomach sear with burning pain. Jackie reaches her hand to stroke his cheek, brush his hair, "Let's go upstairs," she says, and Nicolas nearly faints from joy. He cast himself out, but he's being let back in...This time, it's going to be right.

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