Nicolas catches himself crossing himself before he enters her house again, and glances self-consciously at Jackie as he does so: she always pokes gentle fun at him & calls him superstitious when he does things like that...but she's not looking at him. She asked him over, but she's not going to look at him, typical Jackie. He loves her so much, he wants to die from it...She asked him here to play & only play, and Nico agreed to that. But he hasn't seen his daughter in days, he hasn't dared asked about getting in to see her, giving Jackie all the time & room she needs away from him...but since she's let him in the door now, he asks "Is it okay if I see Trill?" She stops for a moment, but doesn't turn, and she says "Of course," with a shaking voice. Just two words, but in them he hears all her pain, despair, loneliness and even the small resonance of the joy so recently shattered. He wants to take her in his arms & comfort her, like she so obviously needs...but he can't, he doesn't dare. She continues into the studio & he heads upstairs to his daughter's room. Trill is too young to know what is happening in her family, and Nicolas is glad for that, though he knows it really isn't much to celebrate. He's poisoned his nest terribly, and it isn't like he didn't understand what it's like to have a father like himself. She doesn't know now what is happening, and it will be a long time before she's old enough to completely understand, but unless something can be done to make Jackie happy again, Trillare will grow up with her mother's sadness & the knowledge it was of her father's making. He can't do anything about what he's done so far, but Nico is determined to change now for his daughter's sake, to at least not be the cause of further hurt in the girl's life.

He can feel her tension when he enters the studio, she's afraid of the emotions between them, and she's afraid to be near him because of it. She'll be more at ease once they're playing, so Nico gets right to it, setting up & tuning his guitar without looking at her, then asking where she'd like to start, just like he was a session player, ready to play with her for hire, like he doesn't love her with all his soul. She's shaky & nervous as she chooses one of her new songs to work up. They are here only to play, not talk about what has passed between them, but her songs tell him all about it, how shamed & horrified she is by it, how it shattered her world & destroyed her, how deeply & bitterly angry she is. It's the stuff great rock songs are made of, and she's turning their grief into some very powerful music, he's in awe of it even as he's helping her arrange it, working the guitar up for her, responding to her rage with his instrument. Nicolas has always loved her voice, her power, her range, her emotion, but had not quite understood her lyrics, they painted vivid picures, but you were never quite sure what you were looking at, you just knew they made you feel very intensely, for that moment, whatever it was Jackie felt about it. He understands now how she draws these little snapshots of her life, draws images from her days and weaves them into lyrical patterns, he hearing the little scenes of his life told, scrambled up like a dream, in ways that only a very small number of people would recognize.

Nicolas keeps to his word, letting her express her fury at him in song, listening to her grief-stricken groans & wails of black rage, accompanying her with his guitar, not saying anything reply to it that isn't about the musical form. After they've worked up the three songs she played for him over the phone, all he can say is how powerful her new material is, and hope that even saying that is not too personal a response. "I have a bunch more, actually," she says, "Some of them maybe start getting repetitive, but this one, I think maybe we should record...." her voice quavers & she frets nervously as she speaks. He can tell, the song she wants to play with him now is going to be particularly painful...the songs they've done so far have been blistering with rage & moaning in sorrow & broken trust, and Nico knows that is just scratching the surface of what she needs to say to him about what he did to her. "Play it, Jackie," he says, brushing his hair out if his eyes and standing ready to join in her song once she establishes the rhythm for him. As soon as she starts, he knows what's coming: her bass line is dark, raw & heavy. When he comes in, she starts to sing, and right from the start, it's harsh and violent, full of nightmarish revenge scenarios & grim metaphor. Painful as it is to hear, it's nothing he hasn't envisioned putting himself through if seeing him tortured would make her happy...if only something so easy as his suffering could make her happy...Jackie directs him through her song's changes, and into the eye at the center of this storm of song, where there's an eerie quiet lull, just her bass, a squeal of feedback from his guitar, and then with a groan like a rising wind, she signals for him to pick it up. Nicolas tears into a fast riff & she opens fire on him, a long tirade of insult, calling him the lowest kind of things imaginable, spewing pure hatred at him. If he didn't utterly earn & deserve every word of it, her 'no talk' rule would be hideously unfair. Some of it is so violent & personal, Nico nearly collapses, wanting to beg forgiveness, scream how sorry he is. But he stays on course, playing his guitar right along with her, taking every verbal blow she hurls at him, hoping that getting it out this way will actually help her some. "Was it too much?" she asks when it's over, her voice gone soft and quiet, Nico can't believe that something as capable of what she just sang could shrink into something so small. Her song is unbelievably dark & violent, but once they get it worked up with their full band, it's going to be one of her best, it shows off the full expressive range of her voice. To reel in any of the fury would destroy the blinding beauty of what she's written. "Jackie, you were right, it's a great song, it needs to be recorded. Just like that, don't pull any punches," Nicolas answers, looking toward the drums, away from her. "That's not what I meant," she sighs, her lips trembling like she's going to cry. "Are you asking me to talk?" he asks quietly, waits for a reply that doesn't come. So he talks, "No, it's not too much, Jackie. I deserve all of that. And more...I deserve to have my brother beat the shit out of me..and worse. Believe me, I know exactly how low I am, and I'd rather hear it from you than Andrea."

"I just want to know why," she sighs, her shoulders sagging in exhaustion. Nico puts his guitar down now, she's asked him a real & direct question. Exactly the question he's been wanting to answer for her, but couldn't until she asked. Above everything, he needs her to know that it was all his doing, there was nothing she did wrong, forgot or missed, she couldn't have been any more or better than she was, his failure had absolutely nothing to do with her. "Jackie, listen, this is absolutely the most important thing I can say to you about this: there is no 'why' about any of it. She came after me & I was just weak. My life was perfect, I love you now like I loved you before & like I will love you for my whole life. There was no reason for what I did, and the whole time, evey step through I knew it was wrong, I knew it would hurt you & it would cause me to lose you, it was killing me inside, but it just didn't stop me. I gave in to the lowest kind of self-indulgence, because I couldn't stop myself. I know you don't want to hear me tell you I'm sorry, but I am...I wanted to make you happy & I've made you miserable instead. Andrea tells me every day after he comes here, how torn up you are, and it just kills me Jackie, I did that to you. I can't sleep at all, I think about you all the time, how I've hurt you, ruined our happiness, I'd do anything to change it, make it up to you, but it's just not possible..." he explains, going on more than he intended, but even so it will never be enough. No apology could ever make up for the wrong, nothing he can build will ever replace what he destroyed. Jackie pulls away from the discussion & it's emotions back into the safety of the music, telling him she wrote lyrics to the music he sent. His spirit actually soars for a second, he's been so longing to ask her all night if she looked at, what she thought of it, but he's here by her grace alone, and here only to do whatever she asks, whatever she needs to find some way out of this darkness. He plays his song with her, listening eagerly to the lyrics she wrote for it. All her own songs have been about what she did to him, how much it hurt her & how much she hates him now because of it, and he's perfectly ready for her to use his own music to express the same kind of pain & desire to lash back. But she doesn't, she responds completely to the emotion that went into his composition, bitter regret & deep longing, underscored by loneliness & devastating loss, she sings to him about her long, sleepness nights without him, how she misses him as much as he misses her. It moves him to tears, that she could still have feelings like this for him, even after so much of her love has turned to hatred. "Bellissima," he sighs when she finishes, the most beautiful thing he's ever heard.

"How can I ever trust you again, Nico?" she asks in a plaintive cry, breaking down under the stress & exhaustion, eyes watering as she actually leans on him for support. He's the cause of all her sorrow, and the poor girl still has no one except him to comfort her through it. He puts a gentle hand on her shoulder, to help her stand without frightening her off, and tries to answer her question. It's been gnawing at him, too, how he will ever be trusted or believed by Jackie or his brother? He failed them both so terribly & lied atrociously...he knows in his heart the experience has strengthened his will, & given the opportunity, he would not fail again. But how could he even dare ask for that chance? He can't expect to be taken at his word in even the slightest thing. "Jacklyn, I've betrayed you & broken every promise I've ever made you: it would be useless for me to promise you anything now. You have no reason to trust me, and every reason to hate me. I can live with that, it's living with myself right now that's causing me problems. I've ruined myself forever for you, for my brother, but I have a daughter...and I'm not going to have her grow up hating me the way my brother hates our father, the way you hate yours. We had something really beautiful, Jackie, and we were truly happy: I betrayed that & I don't deserve to have it back, you do deserve it Jackie, with anyone who can give it to you. I'd spend the rest of my life trying to give it back to you, but I don't dare ask your forgiveness. All I have is our daughter, and whatever happens between you & I, we aren't going to give her cause to hate us." Her shoulders shake violently & her chest heaves with forceful sobs as she starts to cry: Nicolas melts inside, wanting to hold her, afraid she'd slap him back. Then again, it might do her good, the opportunity to slap him around a little, he thinks tiredly, then shakes the stupidity off for at least the moment: she's not Andrea. "I'm just so fucking tired," she wails sadly, "I can't think, I don't know what to do."

She'll fall down if he doesn't hold her up, so he puts his arms around her: even if she wanted to slap him, she hasn't got the energy to swing her arm. Holding her, he whispers advice he wishes he could follow for himself, "Jacklyn, angel, stop thinking about it for awhile. You don't need to do anything right now, it's the middle of the night. Maybe you should get some sleep..." Her sobbing escalates and tears gush hotly across his chest as she clings desperately to him & cries, "I can't sleep." Nicolas knows what she needs to fall asleep & not suffer nightmares of horror & isolation, because it's the exact same thing he needs...he lifts her up with his last strength & carries her to their bed, where he curls up beside her, holding her close, letting her know she's loved & she's not alone. She cries for some time while he whispers to her, until she finally does fall into deep & blissful sleep, and Nicolas follows immediately after.

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