Jackie sleeps, wrapped inside Nico's arms, dreaming of her former happiness, and wakes up enveloped in it in the deep dark hours of the night by Trill crying for her late night feeding. Nicolas stirs beside her, caresses her shoulder & presses a sweet, soft kiss against her neck as he tells her to stay in bed & he'll take care of the baby. Chill air breathes over her back when he rises & Jackie snuggles herself into the warm place he's just left behind, and waits for him to come back. She still doesn't know what she wants to do about him long term, he's hurt her & destroyed her trust, and she knows the only way to guarantee he'll never hurt her again is to not let him near her. But she's so vulnerable to his charm, she's already got him back into her bed, and dreads his ever spending another night away from it. Santa Ana winds blow harshly out the window, whistling & screaming...did she just hear him go out on Trill's balcony? He's been gone for awhile...Jackie gets out of bed & treads quietly down the hall, into Trill's room, and sees his silhouette dark through the window, out on the balcony. She follows him out into the warm, howling winds, he's staring out at the highway.."Nicolas?" she asks quietly, wondering why he didn't come back to her...he turns, looks at her with a cringing, dying sorrow that more than satisfies every urge she's had to wound him as deeply as he hurt her, and he breaks into a wretched gasping sob. He nuzzles his face into her neck as he weeps, hot tears spilling over her breasts, his hands clinging in desperate fury to her, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he cries, "I can't tell you how sorry I am, I'm dying in that pink hell without you, I can't live if you're not happy. God, I hate myself Jackie, I wish I had died before you ever saw me." His sorrow & regret are so heavy, Jackie can barely hold him & not break apart herself into the crying jagged puddle of misery she's been for the past few days. She searches inside herself for some strength, and finds it in the places she least expected, in her motherhood, because she's overcome her fear of it, in her childhood, because she survived it, and even in her love for Nicolas, which endures unshattered despite everything, a pillar she can stand up against when she needs support. If she had never met Nico... "Nicolas, my happiest memories in this whole world are of being with you," she whispers to him, stroking his hair, cradling him to her while he cries on her shoulder, "And we have Trill. I wouldn't trade that, I don't think. Not even for what it's ending up costing me in grief," she sighs, "So come inside now, okay? We have to jam with Matt tomorrow, and we were finally getting some sleep." She's not going to be able to figure any of this out until she gets at least one really good night of sleep....Jackie takes his hand & leads him back to bed, where he wraps himself around her again, his embrace tighter than usual, weeping softly into her hair.

The long, restful slumber ends with a gentle waking to the bright sun of late morning slanting through the windows. Nicolas stirs beside her, hands coming awake to caress her. Jackie feels like if she just stays very still & very quiet, this moment could last forever...for just this moment, she doesn't hurt, Nicolas is with her & they're wrapped together in a kind of peace neither has been able to even imagine in the past few days. The peace is suddenly shattered as both suddenly snap alert...they've slept better than they have in quite a long time, they've slept far later than normal...."Trill," they each gasp at he same time, leaping out of bed to rush into their daughter's room. Jackie sighs in relief & clutches Nico's hand upon seeing Andrea with Trill. "I didn't want to wake you," the young man says with a smile, tickling his niece. "I'm sorry I slept through our workout," Jackie apologizes automatically & Andrea laughs, "No problem." His smile is irritatingly smug: now that Jackie has come awake, after a night of sleep that has helped clear her head a bit, she's a little worried she's let Nicolas a little too far back in...she pulls her hand out of his, turns away. "Matt will be here this afternoon to jam...I think I'm going to take a bath," she says, leaving the brothers behind with Trill, seeking the solitude she needs to think. She's still tired, one partial night of decent sleep cannot completely make up for the exhausted, crying nights that preceded it, so she sinks her aching bones & sore muscles into the muddy lethargy of the spa bath, and for a moment entertains the notion of pretending it never happened. How nice, she thinks, but she knows she couldn't forget, even if she does manage to forgive, which still isn't a sure thing, either. Jackie squeezes warm mud between her toes, she wanted him to suffer for what he did, and he did suffer, and it didn't make her any happier, it made her pity him. She wanted him to know her rage, she wanted him to feel how deeply he betrayed her trust, and she did that, in the songs she's working up with him. And he takes it all so well, beautiful even in his miserable regret, singing harmony to her condemnation, coming onto her with his gentle apologies...she'll never be able to get over being in love with him if he's going to be around...It would be so easy to just slip back into him, not forget but just...let it go...Jackie pulls herself out of the mud & jumps into a cool shower. Matt will be here in awhile, and she can smell something really tasty happening in the kitchen, so Jackie washes the mud of herself quickly, thinking about Nicolas downstairs in her kitchen...what is he thinking? She can see herself just resuming something like the life they had, but there would always be the trust issue...how could she allow him out of her sight without worrying he's going to betray her again? He said he doesn't want Trill to grow up with any cause to hate them: Jackie is determined that won't happen.

"Wow, that smells great," Jackie says, coming into the kitchen,"What are you making?" She hasn't really eaten much lately, and now that she's slept some, her hunger has caught up with her. Nico mumbles an answer, and takes the pan off the stove: Jackie exults to see and omelette smothered in onions & peppers, just a little burnt at the edges, just like she likes it. A large plop of salsa finishes it off, and Jackie takes it into the dining room. Nicolas follows her and falls into the chair, worn out, waiting on her to pass some kind of final sentence on him. After dulling the edge of her hunger with a few quiet mouthfuls of food, she begins the questioning. Debbie & Andrea have told her what they know, but Jackie needs to hear it all, from him, and it has to be the truth. He avoids the grittier details, but tells her what she wants to know, how it started, when he ended it & also of Monica's failed attempt to blackmail him. Jackie asks him what it felt like, to be with another woman, to have an affair, and watches his face twist in almost physical pain as he gathers his answer: if her question brought up any memories he has of the woman, he's not getting any pleasure out of them. He compares it vaguely to a performance rush, and she blushes for a second, she knows exactly what he means by that, it's what she felt when she was first with him, the chemical exhilaration of doing something dangerous, fast & loud..."Was she better than me? Was it more exciting?" Jackie wonders out loud: when they first got together, they were caught in a swirl of passion, the first place they made love was a dressing booth in a shop on Hollywood Blvd., and it didn't stop there, she remembers, all the hotel elevators while they were on their brief tour, airplanes, limos, taxis...anywhere, anytime...they lived in a perpetual whirl of gigs & sexual excitement, and all that stuff kind stopped when the tour was over & her pregnancy started showing. Nico grimaces sharply, "It was never a contest," he sighs, answering a question she didn't mean to ask, "Jackie, these questions...I wish I had the words for this...that whole....episode...had no relation to you at all. You are & always will be my girl, the only one I want or need. I know how hypocritical that sounds, I don't know how to put this any better, what I was doing with Mary was physically the same, maybe, as making love to you, but it just wasn't same thing. What went on with her, isn't something I'd ever want from you...she was using me, basically, as a language coach and because she's got a taste for good looking men. I don't know why I found that so irresistible that I just did what she told me & waited on her, it wasn't giving me happiness, or 'pleasure' in the same sense as being with you...it's not something that you lack, Jackie, nothing that was wrong with us, it's something wrong with me..." His words stop her for a moment, considering while she chews, it's almost like he was answering a different question, which she can't quite formulate herself. Nico, she notices, doesn't eat, looks nauseous & hungover. "Nico, last night you said you were dying in that 'pink hell'..what did that mean?" Jackie asks, concerned for his mental state & what it's doing to him physically. Nico reacts sharply, pushing his uneaten plate away from his sight, "Debbie's apartment," he says with a sickened grimace, "It's very pink, it's like living inside a dessert. It actually makes me physically sick, sometimes." Jackie lets out a sudden, snorting laugh at the ridiculous image, trying to quell her amusement as she puts her hand gently on Nico's arm. He's still terribly exhausted, and he wasn't joking about being physically sick, Jackie can see in his strained expression that he's letting his guilt eat him from the inside. "I'm sorry," she apologizes for making fun of him, her laughter still not entirely contained. Nicolas gives her a beautifully tender smile, touches her face gently, "Jacklyn, I made you laugh....you're so beautiful."

Jackie stands abruptly, paces off her frustration. "I don't want to be the walking wounded, I want to be able to laugh without it being like the dead coming to life," she says, wanting to start living a life not filled with days of despair & sorrow. Nicolas stands to meet her, tired as he is, & Jackie takes his hands in hers."I still love you, Nicolas," she says, saying it out loud to make it clearer to herself, to give him her truth as he has finally been giving her his, "I want so much for us to be together, to be like we were. And it scares me, because I'm afraid if I trust you again, you'll do it again..." The best thing, she thinks, would be to stop it now, make herself get over loving him, somehow, and she pulls her hands out of his. Or tries to: he tightens his fingers around hers an leans in close to her, whispering into her ear, "Marry me." He's got to be kidding. "Are you insane?" she asks. "Yes, completely," he replies, proving it by kissing her neck, "Get all your lawyers to write up the craziest prenuptial contract you can concoct, any condition, everything I have, everything I ever do in the future, all of it's yours, I will sign anything you hand me," he murmurs softly against her neck. Jackie put her hands firmly on his shoulders, pushing him off her neck. Telling him she still loves him was a huge mistake: the only thing holding him back was the thought that she hated him, now that he knows how she feels, he's back to pressuring her to get married. Comforting, in it's own way, but he was the same way with her while he was having his affair, pestering her about a wedding date, and his crazy idea about a pre-nup wouldn't do anything to stop him from having another. "This is about trust, not money, Nico," she says. "I know, Jackie, I just don't know any other way, I want to turn myself, my life, my soul, over to you. You can plant a tracking device on me, you can hire guys to follow me wherever I go, whatever it takes...I'd rather die than hurt you again, and I would do anything to see you happy," he says. Jackie relaxes her arms against his shoulders slightly & his arms move immediately around her waist. "I don't know, Nico, I want to do what's best for my life, not just what makes me feel good now..." she sighs, and looking to his eyes for some kind of answer. Just as Nicolas starts to lean in to kiss her, Matt strides into the room, laughing "Okay, kids, break it up, we've got jamming to get to."

Matt would never comment about the text of her lyrics, for as long as they've worked together, and through this whole jam he says nothing about the lyrical content of the new songs, and speaks only to the power of the music. With the full band, the songs really start taking shape. In just these past few days, she's written enough material for a whole CD, an extremely, loud, fast & angry expression of her heartbreak & betrayal. "I was thinking, we could call the CD 'Pink Hell', what do you guys think?" she asks, knowing Matt will love it, it appeals to his sense of humor, even though he has no idea what she's referring to...and Nico...Jackie watches him bite his lip & wince, and then smile, just a little. "Very poetic, Jackie," he says quietly.

Once Matt is gone, Jackie realizes it's her call now, if Nico stays, or if he goes. She can put it off for a few hours, ask him to stay & jam, or eat...or talk...But before night falls, she'll need to decide, if nothing else, where he sleeps. "You don't have to decide today what you want to do," Nicolas says soothingly, like he can read her mind, "If it's just a matter of trust, Jacklyn, I'm going to be right under your nose, working with you, touring with you, raising our daughter with you. As long there's some chance you'll have me back, I'm going to pursue it. If you still love me, I have that chance. You can't believe anything I say now, but I'll prove myself, eventually." What is she going to do with him? She's beyond resisting him now as he puts his arms around her. He's declared war on her & she has no defenses... "I'm very, very serious about this, Jacklyn. I love you, I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. I know I've hurt & betrayed you, enough that you should hate me..." he goes on, relentless & charming, and Jackie reaches her fingers to his lips, "Oh, please, stop already, you'll make me cry again," she sighs, the tears coming anyway, and she presses her face against him. She loves him, and that love tells her to respond to his, even if the trust is broken. "You are such a selfish asshole, Nicolas, I can't believe you have the balls to even touch me," she sighs, smiling & stroking his chest, "Coming onto me like you didn't just break my heart...." Nico takes her face in his hands, his lips move, about to tell her again, about his love, how they belong together, but with a small smile he changes his mind, kissing her instead, softly at first, like in the days of separation their lips have lost the way to each other & have to find their way around, their tongues making shy reacquaintance as they meet. "You can't do that to me again," she says, pulling her face away from his, to look him in the eye. Nicolas nods gravely, "Jacklyn, I can't even think about doing this to us again," he says, still wary of making promises, like she'll call him out, remind him of the promises already broken. Jackie brushes her fingers through his hair, strokes his cheek; he's far from perfect, but neither is she. What they have together makes them bigger than what they are..."Let's go upstairs," she whispers, her lips brushing against his.

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