Zach

Since childhood, Zach has had one dream, to be the science officer of a starship exploring space. As a child, it somehow seemed like an actual 'career goal' one could work toward, but when he got sent to college at the tender age of 16, his dreams were dispelled by bitter reality: there was much to study in the world of quantum physics, but the most he could aspire to in terms of his real dreams, would be to help discover a way to make the kind of space travel he wants to do even a remote possibility. That's when he started having the dream...it's never exactly the same, more like episodes of the same TV show, the same cast, formulaic script. It obviously draws heavily from Star Trek, though Zach has seen references to Red Dwarf, Dr. Who, Star Wars, what have you, in different dreams. He's the chief science officer on a starship, obvious wish fulfillment dreams that mostly just amuse him on waking, though some have given him important clues to solving his own real life work equations, so he always pays attention to them when he has them.

Lately, though, they've been disturbingly carnal. Meera began showing up in the dreams, alternately filling the role of the ship's cook or counsellor, sometimes both in the same 'episode': at first it was 'normal' enough, in the dream they were lovers, shared living quarters on the ship that is both home & workplace: the first time he's seen his living quarters in these dreams, actually. But the last few dreams were like an incredibly bad porn version without even a weak attempt at a plot, just rampant sexuality in every inappropriate place possible on the ship, with crew members & aliens roaming around, oblivious to it all. Zach has had the dream every night for the whole week before he's scheduled to fly to Denver, the eroticism growing every night until he's becoming afraid to fly out there and see her, like she'll read it on his face & be outraged at the indignity.

When Zach asks Justin for a ride to the airport, his taciturn housemate cracks a rare smile, "Are you going to go get her, Zach?" he asks heartily. Zach wonders what it's like to be Justin, sometimes, to have all that energy & power that requires constant harnessing, to be capable of the things he's seen him do. "I'm going to see her," Zach explains, "I don't know about getting her..." Justin shakes his head, "If you go out there with that attitude, you won't get her, Zach." Zach laughs a little at being coached, like Meera were a point to be scored, a game to be won, "It's not that simple, it's not just myself & her, it's her family," he says, and explains to Justin about his 'secret' romance, so secret he & Meera don't even mention it to each other, and the plans her parents have for her, his own place in their family. "I don't know if being with me is what's right for her, you see," Zach says. Justin thinks for a moment in grave silence, "I think that's what love is though, isn't it Zach? When you are the right thing for your beloved, the only right thing?" As ever, Justin's perspective pushes Zach into deep thought...that kind of absolutism escapes Zach completely, everything is so open to being something else and nothing is simply what it appears to be, the idea of an 'only right thing' seems impossible on it's face: every person has so many possible destinies, so many stories they can become entangled in...and yet, Zach has been there, in that point of absolute faith where you choose to make the world in your image and say 'this is so': before he committed completely to physics, there was the anthropology, the comparative religion, because there is so much more to know about this universe than what can be leared from the inner mystery of the atom, and on a field trip to India, Zach tasted faith in a deep & transforming way, he's walked on coals & not been burned. What if there is an 'only right thing' for him to do at this crossroads? "What if the right thing to do is put yourself out of the way? Like when you abandoned the Collared...," Zach muses, realizing too late he's spoken out loud...all this time he's lived in this house with Justin, he's never mentioned that he knows what he's pretty sure Justin would prefer to believe is a complete secret. Zach faces Justin's hard glare calmly: he doesn't quite understand his sometimes dangerous housemate, but he's figured out his attack patterns, and knows when he's still in the 'safe' zone, he's noticed Justin will tolerate more from him than he will from others, and Zach often pushes that advantage, out of sheer curiosity, to find out what makes this man tick. "I saw a student film about your cult," Zach explains hastily, before Justin can ask how he knows about the Collared. "Student film...." Justin growls as his eyes tighten to narrow slits, "...where did you see it? And what is this crap about a cult? They were a bunch of college kids that I stayed with for awhile when I was New York, I didn't tell them to form a club, give themselves a name..."

Justin makes it sound so casual, but Zach has seen the footage, he got a copy of the tape from the library at NYU as part of his research when he was writing his thesis about the relationship between pain rituals performed for religion, and those performed in the S&M subculture. The film was an investigation into the bizarre relationships the filmmaker's lover & friends were forming with a man who did weekly performances at a local nightclub: the film was everything Zach was looking for at the time, Justin's performance drew heavily from Catholic ritual, Justin himself wore a priest's collar, his supplicants, 'the Collared', called him 'Dominus' as he whipped them on stage. Doing this research, Zach had seen whippings & religious parody performed by others, what was different about Justin's performance wasn't the ritual aspects of his performance, but the depth to which his followers became involved in it even when the show was over, the ritual performed. Among his followers were three NYU students, who invited their god to stay in their apartment, where they could worship him as part of their daily lifestyle. The filmmaker was a sceptic, firmly believed Justin was a con artist, and continually questioned him while his followers sat congregated around him, trying to sup wisdom from his words. Justin was much younger then, his face pierced in several places, his eyes rimmed in red, and his violent tendencies much more pronounced, but he had that same habit of saying things that made you wonder if everything you thought before was just absolute bullshit, made you suspect he might really not be one of us. Once, the filmmaker got him alone, in the kitchen, even then he would eat only what he cooked himself , and he cooked for everyone, and she questioned him harshly, "Anyone can be a god, Alison," Justin said, staring into the camera, after she asked him why he thought he was a god, why he made the Collared worship him, "but most people choose otherwise. I didn't ask the Collared to worship me, it's all just a performance. Everything they believe, it's all in their heads. They don't need me, when I leave, they'll find some new god to throw themselves at." And he did leave, the next day, without a word to anyone, devastating his followers, who held vigils for him, all documented by the sceptical filmaker. Despite the filmaker's incredulity at what was transpiring in her own home, her constant insistence that her roommates were being severely conned, Justin came across as a truly god like figure, and his sudden disappearance became something of a mystical event for the Collared, as though he had disappeared into nothingness, rather than simply took off, as the filmaker insisted. After Zach graduated and got his job at JPL, while apartment hunting on the east side, he was more than stunned to be checking out a room in a house occupied by none other than Justin himself: Zach recognized him right away, though he no longer wore his facial piercings, was years older, larger in body. Justin had become something of a mythical, quasi-messianic figure for Zach, because of the way Zach used him in his thesis: having him come to life again like this, appearing like just a regular person, no cult of followers,...it was too interesting a situation for Zach to pass up, and he took the room immediately.

Justin taps Zach on the arm, one quick, sharp rap, pulling him out of his reverie, "Are you going to tell me what film you saw?" he asks. "I got a copy from the library at NYU, through the UCLA library, when I was a student," Zach replies, "You can have it if you want." "Yes, I do want," Justin answers, and then questions some more, "How likely is it that people will see this, Zach?" Zach raises his eyebrows, "Not likely at all...only students doing research into this kind of thing." Justin sighs, "What is it with you intellectual types, always poking into stuff that has nothing to do with you?" That's clearly a rhetorical question, Zach passes it by, and instead asks the one question he's always wanted to ask, but hadn't dared, "Why did you leave the Collared anyway?" Justin's brow furrows deeply & his voice is deep & growling "I didn't leave them, I left New York, there's a huge difference. They let me stay in their place, and they took part in my performances at the clubs, anything else they concocted out of that had nothing to do with me. I never stay anywhere long, Zach. It was time to leave, so I left." In the time Zach has lived in the same house as Justin, he's formed a dual image of him, one the character in the film, the god worshipped by a small group of students, and the other the Justin he sees day to day: now Zach is trying to see both together as one person..."You've been in L.A. a long time," he says finally. "I have," Justin replies, looking away, looking into himself the way Zach often does.

It's a strange time, Zach thinks as he packs a suitcase for his trip. Gavin has suddenly become a star, he has fans gathering outside the house everyday, and his latest girlfriend is pressuring him to move out & move up. Gavin will likely sucuumb, especially now that Justin has already announced that he won't be living here much longer. Their housekeeper & cook is leaving them, it's hard to say if Justin ever considered any of them his friends, but he was in many ways what kept them all living here. You didn't have to cook, or clean, everything was done for you. They've been expecting it, Justin & Eleanor practically live together as it is, in an uncomfortable group situation, it was more than time for them to move on. Zach can't imagine Meera being comfortable staying here, not even for one night. Without Justin, there isn't any real reason for Zach to stay here now either: when he comes back from Denver, it will be time to look for a new apartment. When he comes back from Denver.....he has no real hope that Meera will return to L.A. with him, he can't even look her in the eyes & tell her he thinks it what's best for her....when he comes back from Denver, he'll be starting a new life, alone.