"You're lucky I don't kill you now," Andrea growls as the brothers enter Debbie's apartment. "Not really," Nico sighs bitterly & Andrea slaps him in the back of the head. The brothers face each other, ready to come to blows, Andrea's anger barely contained & Nicolas just seeking the release of physical pain, like he could bleed the guilt out of himself, like broken bones can cure a broken heart. Andrea's face twists in a hideous grimace & his arms drop limp at his sides, "Damn you, Nico," he sobs & turns away. There is no release from this hell, Nico resigns himself to the the world of pain he created for himself when he let himself be lured by Mary Strong. "Andrea, I'm so sorry," Nicolas breathes a quavering apology, knowing it won't mean anything to his brother, just as it won't mean anything to Jackie, if she ever lets him close enough to speak the words. Andrea sinks himself into Debbie's pink sofa, and Nico can only follow, captive here. "What the hell were thinking, Nico? You had everything, and you threw it away for what? Your whore came onto me barely an hour before you were with her yourself...what the hell were you thinking?" Andrea asks with bitter bile in his throat. "She wasn't my 'whore', Andrea," Nico says quietly & his younger brother erupts in fury, "No, you were her whore!" he shouts.

"Yes, exactly," Nico admits with a sob of shame, and looking back on his own actions through tears of regret, he tells Andrea everything, about the first wealthy housewife who paid him for favors, how she introduced him to her friends, how this gave him the money for a deposit on an apartment in Hollywood, he tells his brother about living in this city as a working musician, it costs far more than it pays, and you just can't hold any kind of real job & maintain a band, you can't play all night & work all day. And the women came so easy, the money just poured out of them, they paid his rent & bought his meals, his clothes, there was never any reason to find any other way to live... He tells Andrea about meeting Jackie, he tells him how & when he fell in love, and the rocky road of their relationship, and how beautiful, splendid & shining a life they were making, how happy he was about having a family, even though the timing was off. And he tells him about Mary, and how much he hates himself for his own weakness. When he finishes it's far into the night, and all Andrea can say is "Dear God," and shake his head in disbelief. "For what it's worth, Andrea," Nico continues, "After you found out, even though I lied to you about how long it was going on, I decided right then to stop. When Debbie ran into us at the spa, I was only there to tell Mary it was over. I hadn't seen her or spoken to her once after that party until that day, I swear. I meant it when I said never again...I thought I could get away with what was already done if I just finally stopped myself, and no one would get hurt...but it came out anyway." Andrea stands & paces furiously, "Is that supposed to make it better?" he spits angrily. "No," Nico says, "I just want to tell the truth, all the truth. Jackie might not talk to me again...if she wants to know the truth, you might have to be one to tell it," Nico says, and it breaks him to think about Jackie never speaking to him again. "I love her so much, Andrea, I don't know what I'm going to do without her now," he gasps through tears he can't hold in. "You should have thought of that-" "I did think of it," Nicolas interrupts his brother sharply, "I knew exactly what I was doing & what would happen if she found out, it scared me & made me hate myself, but I did it anyway. I couldn't stop myself...I just couldn't stop myself." Something strange passes over his brother's face, a twisted horror, loathing for Nico & the life he's led, and he runs out of the room, up the stairs, leaving Nico alone in this strange apartment to consider the ruins of his life.

Nico is still sitting there in the morning when Andrea comes down. "Nico, I'm sorry, I should have shown you where the spare bedroom was," Andrea says. Nico squints as his brother opens the curtains of the tall french windows, "I wasn't going to sleep anyway," he answers gruffly. He hasn't moved for hours, has just sat staring at Debbie's incredibly expensive state of the art stereo system, going over it all again in his head, torturing himself with memories of Jackie, and the memories of Mary, all of which stab him in the heart. Every fleeting moment of pleasure with her carried a heavy price tag, worse than selling his soul, he's traded his love, his life & his family for something he can't even remember with fondness, all of it just reminds him of how much better it was with Jackie, how much more she meant to him, how beautiful they were together. Andrea cooks a breakfast neither of them is able to eat, both of them knotted inside from grief. The phone breaks the silence, Debbie calling from Jackie's house - Nicolas won't even dare think of it as his anymore, he'd cast himself out when he betrayed her - and he sits & listens as Andrea & his new girlfriend arrange his future for him. The spare bedroom he didn't sleep in last night is going to be his home for awhile, and Andrea will be staying here, too. Debbie has volunteered to stay with Jackie, but Nicolas knows Jackie will turn the girl out & turn in on herself as soon as possible. Nicolas is willing to live in hell for the rest of his life & the next in penance for what he's done, but why did he have to drag Jackie there with him? What can he do to free her from it?

Andrea takes him to Jackie's house to get his things, that was part of the arrangement. Jackie won't even be in the same house as him, and goes out on the deck while he's there. There isn't much Nicolas needs, just clothes and his guitar, but more important, he has to see his child. Sooner or later, Jackie will have to see him, talk to him, they have a daughter to raise, together or apart. Nico lifts Trill gently from her cradle and starts to sing to her, one of his grandmother's songs, until his voice breaks in grief & the tears fall. He made Jackie a lot of promises, and he broke every one. He promised he was going to be a good father, he promised to be her husband, and he betrayed them both, Jackie & Trill, with every lie & every broken trust. His own shame drives him out of the nursery & into the bedroom he once shared with Jackie, to get his things. He sees her from the window as he enters the room, on the deck with Andrea. His brother's arm is around her, comforting her, and Nico's heart shatters...Andrea doesn't understand her, doesn't love her like he does, he's not going to be able to give her what she needs right now. Nico tears himself away from the window: he knows how to comfort her & loves her enough to sit through endless dark hours with her, but he's no longer the one she needs for the job, he's the one who made her cry. Barely holding himself together, he grabs clothes randomly from drawers & closets & rushes down to the studio...he's bought so many things since getting signed, guitars, amplifiers, pedals, more recording equipment as though Jackie's studio weren't already any musician's dream. He needs none of that right now, and takes just his guitar, his old guitar, his favorite, the one that feels so right in his hands, ultimately the only one he needs. And one small amplifier.

Just as Nico expected, Jackie sent Debbie packing with Andrea & himself. He considers extricating himself from them, getting a hotel room instead...but Jackie expects him to be at Debbie's, and if she wants to talk, that is where she'll call. So Nicolas glumly lets them drive him back to Hermosa Beach. This time Andrea leads him directly to the spare bedroom, frilly, girlish & pink, and Nicolas installs himself there, having no intention to sit in Debbie's presence. He doesn't blame the model for what he did to himself, nor does he care why she exposed him, but she's somehow making it all work to take over his brother's life. Nico doesn't like it or trust her, but saying anything else about that to Andrea would only be futile, considering how he betrayed his family, he has no business casting aspersions about anyone else. He plugs his guitar into his amp, and lets his grief come through his hands, picking out a sad melody, a guilty plea to universe, begging for some kind of respite. Within minutes his brother in the room, "Keep it down, Nico," he says harshly. Nico sighs, turns the amp down to an 'acceptable' level. "She says you can't play after 7 pm, too," Andrea adds, and turns & leaves again. Of course, Nico thinks, this is, after all, hell. Sweet pink hell.

NEXT